I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
