he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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