apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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