Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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