dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
