Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
