We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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