Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Semen is not good for contacts.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
