You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
