The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
