You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
