Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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