First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
