my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
