I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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