He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
