lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
