i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
