my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
