I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
