how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
