good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
