A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
