I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
