I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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