I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize