I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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