We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
