I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
