I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
