And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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