She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
