Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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