so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
