I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
