A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
