He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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