Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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