hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
