The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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