I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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