We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Say something about gay babies.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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