Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
