Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
