thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
