He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
