If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
