I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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