one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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