I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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