found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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