I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
