Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
