Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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